The Crow, by Dr Seuss
by Closet Fanfic Fan
Summary: What if Dr. Seuss had written the screenplay for the crow? PG for language and puerile humour.


SARAH: This film I start  
Straight from the heart  
It's Devil's Night.  
Oh, what a sight!

(DEVIL'S NIGHT)

ALBRECHT: Fires, fires, everywhere!  
It is more than I can bear.

TORRES: I'm an asshole. I don't care.

COP #1: Fire is red.  
This guy is dead.

ALBRECHT: Out this window he did fall.  
He did not bounce like a ball.

MEDIC #1: Here's his girlfriend.  
She is dying.  
Dying is she.

SARAH: This is not fun.

The Prologue's done.

(ONE YEAR LATER - in the CEMETERY)

CROW: I am a bird.  
I say no words.  
No words say I.  
But I fly high.  
Eric, Eric, you I call.

From your grave you'll have to crawl.

ERIC: Help me, help me,  
I'm in pain.  
And I hate this fucking rain.

(THE CROW takes ERIC back to the LOFT)

ERIC: I have a big pain in my belly  
I can see them hurting Shelly.

T-BIRD (to SHELLY in flashback):  
In this flat  
You want to stay.  
But now you'll pay.  
Pay you will.

TIN TIN: 'Cos you we'll kill.

FUN BOY: Your boyfriend too.

SKANK: Ha ha hoo hoo!

T-BIRD: Stab him, shoot him in the head  
Then to make sure that he's dead,  
We will throw him out that glass  
Because we can, so kiss my ass.

ERIC: I cannot fly!  
Instead, I die.

SKANK: Ha ha hoo hoo!

FUN BOY (to SHELLY): Now you we'll screw.

(FLASHBACK ENDS)

ERIC: Like the cat, I came back.  
Back I am.  
Those fucks I'll wham!

(At the PIT)

THE GANG: Fire it up!  
Up fire it!  
It up fire!

(AN ALLEYWAY)

ERIC: Hello, Tin Tin.  
Tin Tin, hi.  
Are you ready  
Now to die?

TIN TIN: Guess again, you crazy clown.  
I swear to God, you're going down.

ERIC: For help no one hears you call.  
Victims, victims, aren't we all?

(GIDEON'S PAWN SHOP)

ERIC: I want this ring,  
Make no mistake.  
And this guitar too I'll take.

GIDEON: Mister, you can burn in hell!

ERIC: Is that gasoline I smell?

(KA-BOOM.)

(OUTSIDE IN THE STREET)

ALBRECHT: Did you blow up Gideon's shop?  
Did you do it on the hop?

JAMES O'BARR (in background):  
Look, I get a cameo.  
Watch me steal this stereo.

(TOP DOLLAR'S LAIR)

TOP DOLLAR: I am the king.  
I am the best.  
This is my sister.  
We practice incest.

MYCA: I am his sister.  
His sister am I.  
I would like  
To gouge out your eye.

T-BIRD: Tin Tin's dead, I do declare.

TOP DOLLAR: Do you think I really care?

GRANGE: This little man has stuff to say.

GIDEON: My pawn shop has been blown away!  
There was this man.  
He had a bird.  
He took some stuff.  
He said some words.

MYCA: This man has power.  
This is his hour.

His hour this is.

GIDEON: I feel unsteady.

TOP DOLLAR: Just die already.

(THE PIT)

SARAH: There's my mom.  
A junkie whore.  
A whore she is.

(THE POLICE STATION)

ALBRECHT (to ANNIE): Could you pull this file for me?  
Could you do it just for free?

ANNIE: Don't tell me that you owe me one.

ALBRECHT: I owe you one.  
One you I owe.

ANNIE: Don't draw on the evidence.

Now please just go.

(FUN BOY'S ROOM)

FUN BOY: Do you like to shoot up smack?  
Or would you like to smoke some crack?  
Would you like some D's or E's?  
Or W's, X's, Y's or Z's?  
I'll give you rushes, speeds, and highs.  
And then I'll get between your thighs.

DARLA: Yes, I like to shoot up smack.  
And I would like to smoke some crack.  
I would like some D's or E's,  
Some W's, X's, Y's or Z's.  
Please give me rushes, speeds, and highs.  
I'll let you in between my thighs.  
But before you say another word,  
There's a great big fucking bird.

CROW: Mate, you're doomed.  
Doomed you are.

ERIC: I have a scar.  
You gave me it.  
You evil shit.

FUN BOY: For my life I scream and beg.

ERIC: There's a cable-wire on your leg.  
(to DARLA)  
"Mother" is the name for God;  
Not "shoe" or "glove" or "bed" or "rod"  
Or "hat" or "toe" or "three-ring binder".  
Your daughter's waiting. Go and find her.

DARLA: Now I don't need to shoot up smack.  
Now I don't need to smoke some crack.  
I do not want some D's or E's  
Or W's, X's, Y's or Z's.  
I don't need rushes, speeds, or highs.  
I just need the love in Sarah's eyes.


End file.
